CHAPTER 2
He was suddenly RIGHT THERE...
RIGHT HERE, right in front of me.
RIGHT HERE, right in front of me.
OH MY GOD.
I was sweating like a stuck pig. WORSE.
I was convinced that a pig would have been
MUCH better mannered than to start looking like
I was sure I was about now.
MUCH better mannered than to start looking like
I was sure I was about now.
I KNEW I had gone from merely fresh to TERMINALLY MOIST. Not a good look when you think about it. Sorta like those gauzy pics where,
you know.
you know.
I reached into my pocket to get a kleenex, but it
was snagged on something.
SHIT.
was snagged on something.
SHIT.
Feverishly I started to (hopefully surreptitiously) pull on it and did until...it broke, FREE...and came RUSHING OUT OF MY POCKET, along with...
my keys, a comb, a pocket magnifier, two pens, a Volkswagen, the ENTIRE Mayo Clinic patients and all, the State of Rhode Island, and several other objects I do believe were Santa's elves, but more
on that later.
on that later.
CRASH BANG TITTER TINKLE, BANG. CLATTER...cymbal crash, and a drum roll.
(I particularly always like the drum roll. Nice touch).
(I particularly always like the drum roll. Nice touch).
I WAS MORTIFIED and would gladly have mortied, but..
I quickly bent over, gracefully I am sure, and started to retrieve my entire life AND the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing
"NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"
and I was SO close...
when as I reached for my keys suddenly
another hand appeared.
"NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"
and I was SO close...
when as I reached for my keys suddenly
another hand appeared.
Let's see. One, Two...
OK SO FAR...
THREE..
UH...
WHERE IN THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?
1, 2, uh...
I knew of course it couldn't be mine.
I kinda knew where mine were.
Couldn't be his either. NO!
I KNEW the ANGEL OF MERCY
(and boy did I need some of that right about now), was currently on a DEAD RUN to ANYWHERE ELSE, just in case my attack of severe klutz just might be contagious. Ok, so it must be someone else's hand.
I kinda knew where mine were.
Couldn't be his either. NO!
I KNEW the ANGEL OF MERCY
(and boy did I need some of that right about now), was currently on a DEAD RUN to ANYWHERE ELSE, just in case my attack of severe klutz just might be contagious. Ok, so it must be someone else's hand.
I turned...and saw my FUTURE...
oh please GOD,
the LOVE OF MY LIFE,
right next to me also bent over,
and starting to retrieve my things for me.
oh please GOD,
the LOVE OF MY LIFE,
right next to me also bent over,
and starting to retrieve my things for me.
BLUSH!
My GOD IT IS him.
NOT running. Nope. NO...
He smiled and whispered...
"It's alright dear."
SO WITH MY USUAL GRACE...
I DIED.
I JUST FUCKING EXPIRED RIGHT THEN
AND RIGHT THERE,
AND RIGHT THERE,
while I simultaneously mind you stood
looking glazed, dead, and STUPID.
In other words, NORMAL.
BUT, out of an ability I didn't know I had,
(sheer bravery mixed with sheer NUTS),
I regained my composure.
(or maybe I fainted. Who the hell knows). Hereinafter I am dead and not responsible for
my actions. Everything now is total fantasy...
or lunacy, or...
Ok, See. I have NO clue.
GOD where IS my brain. What brain you ask...
good thought.
He kept gathering up my stuff as I stood bent over next to him which is pretty good for a dead person, but secretly of course I had ACTUALLY embarked on a trip to Venus. Yup, so none of this was really happening you see. Nope.
I WAS IN OR PERHAPS ON...FUCKING VENUS.
He just kept looking at me. FUCK.
YES VENUS. I AM ON FUCKING VENUS
AND THIS IS SOOOOO NOT HAPP...
Crap.
I looked at him again.
Ok, Mars then. YES, MARS...
or perhaps URANUS.
That almost did it.
BUT THIS was not the time for a major giggle fit. Maybe tomorrow, but was there going to BE
a tomorrow.
I mentally took myself to the woodshed...
and back. Lovely day for it too.
He had by now finished gathering my stuffies,
and together we stood up. Sort of.
He stood up and I sorta oozed back into an
upright (sort of) position.
THIS GOD OF MY DREAMY-STATE-NIGHTS
FOR MONTHS NOW...just stood there
holding my stuff in his GORGEOUS strong
GOD-LIKE hands...
as I just stood there I am positive...
looking like some zombie from another world
where part of me had just come from or
maybe still was or...and another part of me
was dead of course, and another part of me wa..
wait.
HOW MANY PARTS OF ME ARE THERE? NM.
Brain dead and too dense to...
Could I have a drum roll as I depar...
NO?
DRUM DEAD?
I know the feeling.
Finally I came back to reality
from wherever it was
I had spent the previous 35 seconds
or several years or...
and I nervously took my stuff from him and
put it back in my pocket. Kleenex included.
SHIT, I really needed it now.
I NEEDED to wipe my face, head, shoulders, chest, knees, feet.
GROIN!
But again the God of my loins was
one step ahead of me. I was merely one foot away from extinction after a ROYAL FLUSH down the drain BUT...from out of the pocket of one of the most TIGHT FITTING pair of jeans I have ever seen EXCEPT for mine (size: minus 2 and looking GOOD, thank you very much), he pulled a hanky.
(or a tablecloth OR a bedspread. I'm not totally sure) and then he EVER SO EFFORTLESSLY leaned WAY into me and after placing the palm of his left hand behind my neck for stability...or whatever,
people are forever putting the palms of their left hand at the back of my neck. Must be a sign back there. PARKING IN REAR?
WHO CARES...
HE of an alternate universe and the planet
MY GOD LIVES HERE,
began to wipe my sweat away with his right.
The river that was running down my face, back, front...down the street and into the city sewer system which was becoming overrun I was sure,
THAT DID IT!
THAT FUCKING DID IT!
His wiping my face SO tenderly, so gently, so lovingly, while looking at me INTENSELY,
OH GOD those EYES.
The feel of that left hand, with the EVER so subtle but tender but horribly SEXXXXXXXXXY vibration,
which was DRIVING ME SO NUTS SEVERAL SQUIRRELS WERE GIVING ME THE ONCE-OVER...
and boy is THAT not reassuring.
YES THAT DID IT!
o
ON TOP OF ALL THE REST OF THE INCREDIBLY WEIRD THINGS that had just happened...
to top off one of THE most embarrassing moments
of my ENTIRE life,
I STARTED...unceremoniously...to
CRY!
OH FUCKING H GOD. PLEASE!
NOT NOW.
I...
CHAPTER 3 - CLICK HERE
looking glazed, dead, and STUPID.
In other words, NORMAL.
BUT, out of an ability I didn't know I had,
(sheer bravery mixed with sheer NUTS),
I regained my composure.
(or maybe I fainted. Who the hell knows). Hereinafter I am dead and not responsible for
my actions. Everything now is total fantasy...
or lunacy, or...
Ok, See. I have NO clue.
GOD where IS my brain. What brain you ask...
good thought.
He kept gathering up my stuff as I stood bent over next to him which is pretty good for a dead person, but secretly of course I had ACTUALLY embarked on a trip to Venus. Yup, so none of this was really happening you see. Nope.
I WAS IN OR PERHAPS ON...FUCKING VENUS.
He just kept looking at me. FUCK.
YES VENUS. I AM ON FUCKING VENUS
AND THIS IS SOOOOO NOT HAPP...
Crap.
I looked at him again.
Ok, Mars then. YES, MARS...
or perhaps URANUS.
That almost did it.
BUT THIS was not the time for a major giggle fit. Maybe tomorrow, but was there going to BE
a tomorrow.
I mentally took myself to the woodshed...
and back. Lovely day for it too.
He had by now finished gathering my stuffies,
and together we stood up. Sort of.
He stood up and I sorta oozed back into an
upright (sort of) position.
THIS GOD OF MY DREAMY-STATE-NIGHTS
FOR MONTHS NOW...just stood there
holding my stuff in his GORGEOUS strong
GOD-LIKE hands...
as I just stood there I am positive...
looking like some zombie from another world
where part of me had just come from or
maybe still was or...and another part of me
was dead of course, and another part of me wa..
wait.
HOW MANY PARTS OF ME ARE THERE? NM.
Brain dead and too dense to...
Could I have a drum roll as I depar...
NO?
DRUM DEAD?
I know the feeling.
Finally I came back to reality
from wherever it was
I had spent the previous 35 seconds
or several years or...
and I nervously took my stuff from him and
put it back in my pocket. Kleenex included.
SHIT, I really needed it now.
I NEEDED to wipe my face, head, shoulders, chest, knees, feet.
GROIN!
But again the God of my loins was
one step ahead of me. I was merely one foot away from extinction after a ROYAL FLUSH down the drain BUT...from out of the pocket of one of the most TIGHT FITTING pair of jeans I have ever seen EXCEPT for mine (size: minus 2 and looking GOOD, thank you very much), he pulled a hanky.
(or a tablecloth OR a bedspread. I'm not totally sure) and then he EVER SO EFFORTLESSLY leaned WAY into me and after placing the palm of his left hand behind my neck for stability...or whatever,
people are forever putting the palms of their left hand at the back of my neck. Must be a sign back there. PARKING IN REAR?
WHO CARES...
HE of an alternate universe and the planet
MY GOD LIVES HERE,
began to wipe my sweat away with his right.
The river that was running down my face, back, front...down the street and into the city sewer system which was becoming overrun I was sure,
THAT DID IT!
THAT FUCKING DID IT!
His wiping my face SO tenderly, so gently, so lovingly, while looking at me INTENSELY,
OH GOD those EYES.
The feel of that left hand, with the EVER so subtle but tender but horribly SEXXXXXXXXXY vibration,
which was DRIVING ME SO NUTS SEVERAL SQUIRRELS WERE GIVING ME THE ONCE-OVER...
and boy is THAT not reassuring.
YES THAT DID IT!
o
ON TOP OF ALL THE REST OF THE INCREDIBLY WEIRD THINGS that had just happened...
to top off one of THE most embarrassing moments
of my ENTIRE life,
I STARTED...unceremoniously...to
CRY!
OH FUCKING H GOD. PLEASE!
NOT NOW.
I...
CHAPTER 3 - CLICK HERE
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